carina601Allow me to tell you why your “STOP BULLYING” post is NOT most helpful.
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Our natural instincts force us to have the desire to fulfill five needs:
(1) survival
(2) love and belonging
(3) power
(4) freedom
(5) fun
The most IMPORTANT need is love and belonging.
In a Maslow Point of View – you know that you have to fulfill level one before you can reach fun or level 5. You need to know you are safe (survival), loved, have a sense of control and choice over your life (power), and the ability to let loose and have a good time (freedom and fun).
If someone threatens your “power” and people spread rumors about you – you will feel like you’ve lost control. Consequently, If you don’t have closeness or feel a sense of connectedness with the people you care about, then you have NO DESIRE TO SURVIVE! This is when suicide is considered.
Bullying is not only isolated to the school drama. Bullying happens in the workplace, within families, etc. Have you ever felt repeatedly humiliated or talked down to at work? You know those times when your boss “hurt your feelings” or you heard your coworker said something bad about you?? It’s the same thing.
Now, Why did I say your “stop the bullying” post isn’t helpful?
Because you see, the only person you can control is YOURSELF. You can not dictate nor change someone else’s behavior.
I repeat, the only person’s behavior you can control is YOUR OWN.
Here’s the solution:
TELL People YOU LOVE THEM, AND MEAN IT!!! If anyone gets to the point where their survival is no longer important, then they’ve lost that sense of love. If you want to be proactive and prevent bullying, make sure “they” know you love them. If you know profusely your parents love you, your BFF got your back, and if you haven’t been neglected or disappointed by everyone – then you’ll seek help or consider other alternatives.
One of the reasons I’m not Mental Health is because it gets too heavy for my soul. Eight years ago I was working with a 13 year old on my caseload. She was abused on many levels and she told me that one day she’d had enough and was ready to end it. I reminded her of the value of her life and also how that would have made me feel. Then, I asked her why didn’t she do it. She said, “My mom. I didn’t want her to be sad, but Miss C. (that’s what the kids use to call me back when I was cool), I could hear you fussing at me over and over in the back of my mind too!” I laughed and cried with her that afternoon, but I didn’t realize until now that that tough love is part of the reason she’s still here.
Now the catch about Love is that you have to mean it. And to mean it YOU’VE GOT TO SHOW IT. LOVE IS AN ACTION WORD.
My theory is that any child or person who knows without a shout of doubt that they are loved will less likely consider ending their life. I believe it doesn’t matter where that love comes from – God, family, friends, viral “friends”, etc. If you KNOW you’re loved unconditionally, it’ll be hard for you to let go completely, or alternatively, you could love them too much to let them suffer without you.
What I’m trying to say is you simply can’t tell a bully to “stop” bullying. That’s like me telling you to stop LYING. It gets you out of doing some things you don’t want to do, a lot of other people lie too, and sometimes you just have to do it to protect yourself. So what if it every once in a while the lie puts someone else in a bind. Heck, sometimes other people are lying to you so you have no other choice but to respond with a lie.
So, no. You’re not likely to just “stop” lying because someone told you so.
Like the Bully, You’ll want to defend yourself. At minimum, Explain the reasons why you sometimes have to lie. The real issue is bully has an unfulfilled desire and I’d bet they are lacking in love and belonging. If the person doing the BULLYING truly felt LOVED themselves, then perhaps they wouldn’t be a bully.
A bully thinks the POWER and followers (views/likes) they get from belittling someone else will make people love them. Therefore, saying STOP won’t change anything and even seeing how their behavior has affected someone else won’t change anything either. For long term changes, they too need love to be fulfilled.
So when you look at the desires, the only one you truly can help someone else develop is the one that is most important – love and belonging.
Because when you feel loved and connected with others, it gives you a reason to survive. If you’ve ever felt down before, knowing that someone really loves you gives you a little strength.
Trust me, since January and losing my Brother my thoughts have took me some really low places. I’ve lost my groundings in the levels of power, freedoms, and fun. I’m still not ready to write about those things yet. But you know what, I’ll never get below love and belonging because I have family and friends who remind me daily that I am loved.
In summary,
Perhaps, instead of (or in conjunction with) your quick fix “stop the bullying” post, you show someone (especially young adults) that you REALLY love and care about them.
The situation is tragic – to say the least. But stop looking for someone to blame. Don’t question the parents and what they were or weren’t doing and don’t worry about how or what exactly went down.
I challenge you to think about your behavior. Your past is a part of who you are, but your PRESENT behavior and satisfying your needs and the needs of those you LOVE *right now & today* is what’s important.
Make sure someone knows you love them and you’d be lost without them. If you do that, there’ll be no room for regret. You can’t lose. ❤️
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Now, I’m about to rant. Feel free to stop reading now.
This is an angry post, but I’m not sorry. Im certainly not sorry because a lot of you are the same people who gossip and spread rumors about other people. A lot of you are the bullies and talk about others behind their back. I’ve seen so many post of people who say, “I wasn’t bullied, I stand up for people who got bullied”. If you “stood” up for them, why was this continuing to happen??
Let me ask you, when you say you stand up for people, are you the one that watches and then waits until it’s all over, then secretly go to tell that person that “I’m on your side”, “they were wrong for that”, or “they shouldn’t have treated you that way”. If that’s the case, you were simply afraid of being bullied yourself and you were secretly happy that the pressure was on someone else -and not you. So, That doesn’t make you any better either.
OR if you’re the person who often gets mistreated and someone does try to stand up for you, but you deny what is happening – I CANNOT HELP YOU EITHER! This is where I end mostly. I’m always in someone’s business but it really is because I am concerned for them in some way. If I’m asking you about something you gotta know I have your back and will go to bat for you and will speak up for you on your behalf. However, You have be honest with yourself and be ready to step up. Otherwise, I’ll get frustrated and say, “Let me mind my own business.”
