Sometimes it lasts. Sometimes it hurts instead.

29.4 years old.

Sometimes it lasts in love.

One foot in front of the other. I’m walking as fast as I can while hauling my massive suitcase. Why did you pack so much for less than 48 hours?

I spent all day trying to find the perfect outfits to pack. I am late. I’m nervous. It’d been more than five month. I didn’t know what I should wear – I wanted to look my best. I want to be at my best. Everything had to be perfect.

I wanted to be perfect. 

I’m moving as fast as I can. Departure time in twenty minutes. I can not lose one minute of the little time I have.

I’ve got to get there. I can not miss my flight. I repeat to myself over and over.

I drop my bag at the desk and thank God there isn’t a line at the TSA check.

I finally make it to to the boarding gate – and my flight is delayed. I’m happy I didn’t miss it but I don’t want to get there later.

We arrive in Dallas 40 minutes behind schedule. Now there’s less than 20 minutes to get to my layover terminal.

I’m running now.

Other people are also running. The delay in Jackson pushed several of us to the edge.

We run together as a pack. I think maybe all of us are trying to make it to our – love– destination.  As arrive to the top of the escalator in my terminal, I hear them announce “Paging passenger Carina Lindsey for Flight, Last call for passenger Carina Lindsey for Flight 5144 service to Austin.”

I yell, I’M COMING!

Someone tell them I’m coming! Don’t leave me!

I’ve never been so happy before that I checked my bag. I only have myself and my purse. Anything more, and we wouldn’t have made it.

The plan landed and almost immediately the excitement or adrenaline? has left me.

My  heart sank. My walk is slower now. He’s waiting for me while I pray they hurry with my bags.

I walk towards the sliding doors. As they open and I exit – the Texas heat slaps me in the face getting all of my attention. The sun shines so bright I can hardly see anything pass my nose.

I’m getting sticky. Starting to sweat. Partly because of the humid and heat – but my nervousness aided and abetted.

Be Cool. I whisper to myself.

I’m looking for the black truck. I know it when I see it. But when did everyone start driving black trucks. There are so many. I my heart jumps every time I see one – but that’s not it. I’m angry at my aroused feelings – CALM DOWN girl.

There he is.

The embrace stirred the butterflies in my stomach. Reeks of all things manly and I trust him. I’m enamored.

Maybe the wait couldn’t wait any longer. I don’t know what made it happen. But it did.

At dinner. I sat across from him and studied his face. I committed every detail into memory. Preparing myself for the next hiatus.

The next day we walked and explored, and laughed, and talked in the rain. All day. Unbothered.

Sunday was different. I watched the time closely.  Hoping it goes slow. The day would be short and I just don’t want to be free.

The drive to the airport was quiet. Complete contrast to the previous two days of excitement. Today there was nothing to say. It was time to face the fear music.

Heart in my stomach when were arrived at the drop off. He unloaded my things and we had our final embrace. I broke it off quickly and scurried away.

I didn’t look back – afraid of what my eyes would give away. Because I wanted it to be like the movies. I wanted to be Whitney in The Bodyguard. Stop the plane. Run off the plane. If you love me – don’t let go. *cues I will always love you.

That didn’t happen.

Sometimes it hurts instead.

I didn’t want it to be ‘something’ or what it was anymore. Not another year of uncertainty. I needed all or nothing.

He chose nothing.

Pieces of me scattered – in the wind. All a figment of my imagination. Because only yesterday was the time of my life. What I gave wasn’t good enough.

This is how it feels to be the one standing left behind.

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